When you travel, there are certain things that are right and wrong to do, simply in the name of etiquette. We even wrote about how to not be THAT person.
We mentioned in that post about people at airports who sit in one seat and put their personal bag in the seat next to them. This isn’t bad in and of itself; if thre are plenty of open seats, you be you. But if there are people standing around because there aren’t (m)any more empty seats, the polite thing is to put your bag on the floor, so others can sit, too.
I recently read about a woman on Reddit who said she had put her bag on the seat next to her (on the train, not an airport terminal). A man insisted she move it so he could sit down. But in this particular case, it seemed she, not he, was in the right.
Such was the story someone wrote on Reddit the other day, on their “AITA” section. The initials represent the term, “Am I The A-Hole.” The community is defined as, “A catharsis for the frustrated moral philosopher in all of us, and a place to finally find out if you were wrong in an argument that’s been bothering you. Tell us about any non-violent conflict you have experienced; give us both sides of the story, and find out if you’re right, or you’re the a-hole.” It’s kind of like a “jury of your peers” sort of thing and you may eventually be determined to YTA (You’re The A-Hole) or NTA (Not The A-Hole).
Here’s the original post (edited only for adult language):
AITA for refusing to sit next to this man?
I (f, 30s) was riding an almost empty train, there were maybe 5 or 6 people in the whole carriage. I sat in a four-seater (two seats on one side, two across) and spread out my stuff, put my jacket on the seat across from me and put my feet on it so that the seat wouldn’t get touched by my socks. If it matters: It was early in the morning and I had been wearing these socks for less than an hour. My shoes are also clean as I alternate two pairs daily to let them dry out between uses.
A guy in Innguess his late forties or maybe early fifties entered the train, came straight to me and said “move your bag”.
I was puzzled since there was plenty of free seats to go around, so I asked if he really wanted this particular seat and he said yes. So I picked up my bag, he plopped down next to me and I proceeded to pack up my laptop, drink, jacket, put on my shoes and moved to a different four-seater. I spread out again.
Before I could even get my shoes off, the dude was standing in front of me and said “move your bag”. I asked why. He said that he wanted to sit there. I answered that he had been wanting that certain seat that I vacated for him, so I don’t see why he would want to switch seats. He scoffed and explained that it was not about the specific seat but about “entitled people who think their bags deserve a seat”. I told him that I moved once for him and wouldn’t move again. He made a movement as if he wanted to grab my bag and I raised my voice saying “don’t you f**king dare!”. He started lamenting about entitled people again. I told him “I moved for you. There are hundreds of free seats on this train, sit somewhere else.”
He called me an a**hole and went back to his seat. Then he called someone on his phone (or acted like it, who knows) and proceeded to loudly complain about “entitled b**ches”.
To be clear, when a train filles up, I of course gather my stuff and vacate seats around me so that others can sit. But I don’t see why I should let some rando boss me around and invade my personal space for no reason.
She got over 1.6k replies in the course of 2 days. Some of them were apparently of the same themes, so she added these edits/additions:
Edit: I am having a good laugh about all the people commenting on me putting very clean socks on my reasonably clean jacket, while of course instead there must be only butts on seats, and as we all know, butts are so much more hygienic than feet!
I seem to have pinpointed that it’s considered bad manners in some cultures, maybe in the US where a lot of users are coming from? In my culture it is not considered bad manners, so I will not be taking your advice of “keep your damn shoes on!!” to heart 😀
My question was also about refusing to let the sit guy next to me and not across from me, so I am really amused by so many people focusing on that. So, I will be ignoring all shoe-related comments, but of course if your heart so desires, please let it all out!
Edit 2: OK now people are sliding into my DMs and asking for pictures of my feet. What have I done 😀
Edit 3: More serious this time: That’s a lot of comments here! I just took the time to read all of them and answer as many as I can, it took nearly three hours. One thing pops up a lot, namely people being scared for me in that situation. Thank you for your concern, I really appreciate it! I would like to address that: The situation was not scary. I would say I am pretty good at listening to my gut and it has served me really well so far. But in this situation, my spidey senses were not tingling, at all. My impression of the dude was one of self-righteousness and some tinge of entitlement, maybe a bit of creepiness, but no hints of danger of physical violence.
There were a LOT of people describing situations that started out similarly and were honestly scary. I really hope that all of you are OK!
Also, I am updating from the train right now, with my shoes on 😛
The Redditor wanted to know if she was the a-shole for not allowing the man to sit where her bag was, that second time. Responses were overwhelming supportive of her – she was not the a-hole, but he certainly was. Here were some of the better responses (edited only for adult language and clarity, and I didn’t not include the ones that focused on her feet, except for ones that made a point about safety and whatnot):
- NTA. This guy is a creeper and looking to cause trouble with you, a woman. Good for you not putting up with it. — Successful-Doubt5478
- 1. Keep your shoes on. 2. Since the train was nearly empty, I find nothing wrong with taking up more than one seat. 3. The dude was weird and I feel it has more to do with the fact that you are a female. It is a scary situation. — Ill-Conversation5210
- With plenty of room on the train, he had a ton of seats to choose from. He was technically correct – the best kind of correct™ – about being able to sit in any seat . . . but his insistence on enforcing his technical correctness on you makes him the a-hole and an overbearing p**ck. You’re definitely NTA. — baka-tari
- NTA! The train was practically empty. You did nothing wrong. That weird man has serious issues that have nothing to do with you. To walk up to a lone woman on an almost-empty train and demand that she move her bag is a RUDE flex! If some creep did that to me, I would tell him to pound sand and I wouldn’t move. I would dramatically wave my arm at the sea of empty seats and tell him where to go.You behaved much more politely than I would have, LOL — IMAGINARIAN_photos
- NTA. If the train was half-empty, it’s not his business what you do.
After you moved and he followed you, he escalated the situation and frankly he behaved like a certified creep. The move to grab your bag was a big no no.
Good think you raised your voice: too often women are inculcated by society to be quiet, to be nice, not to cause a scene, and that’s how we end up abused. — )))-Hotaru_Tomoe - NTA – I would have told the guy after the second encounter that he was the one acting entitled by forcing his opinions on complete strangers, and that he was being a creepy perv by repeatedly wanting to sit so close to you. — Fuzzy-Judgement63
- NTA. I can’t believe so many people are focused on your feet. That is not what you asked to be judged on. It’s clear he wanted to sit next to you!!. If he was mad about you taking up space like he claimed, why didn’t he ask you to move your jacket so he could sit across? He chose the seat right next to when there were other seats available.
I used to take the bus and i had a few people chose to sit next to me when there were other seats available. Each time it was a man and each time they said something rude when i got up to go somewhere else. It’s actually a thing some guys do because they want to sit next to you and probably start up a conversation. Thinking that you have to talk to them. You have every right to want to avoid that situation. I can’t believe more people are worried about your feet than about a guy harassing you. — cara1888 - Please keep your shoes on and don’t put your feet on the seats regardless of if you’re just in your socks. It’s obnoxious behaviour in public. It also makes it harder for you to run if you need to. Other than that NTA. — Mysterious_Ad_3119
- NTA. This was a power play because you were a woman, traveling alone. He wanted to make you uncomfortable. Anything you did would have not been enough until you confronted him.– Colt_kun
- NTA, you moved your s**t once and the train had plenty of open space.– arlondilethel
- If there was plenty of free space, NTA. Even if it’s not the best manners (the resting your feet on another seat – I’d say setting your bag in the seat next to one when it’s available is very normal) you weren’t keeping seats from people who needed them.
He on the other hand decided he was judge, jury and executioner in a victimless “crime” and acted in a quite creepy way, insisting on sitting right next to you, then again insisting on sitting right next to you when you moved seats. Off-putting to say the least. — SneakyRaid - NTA for moving, for spreading out your stuff, for chasing off a creep or taking your shoes off.
However, in this situation, I would have kept my shoes on once I moved and he pursued me. You never know when you need to give a creep a swift kick to the you-know-what and need to flee. — savvyliterate - (In reply to the above) I’m pretty sure that a crotch kick without shoes would still be pretty effective, though the actual fleeing part would be less-so. — StormStrikePhoenix
- NTA and is the definition of toxic entitlement. He felt entitled to teach you, a woman he doesn’t know and will never speak to again, a lesson. He’s a man and obviously someone like him needs to teach it to you. — ThatsItImOverThis
I went over every single reply – not one person said she was the a-hole.
Our take on this
Of course, it’s like everyone else said…as long as there were plenty of open seats, there’s no crime in spreading your stuff out. Moving your things for the guy’s first request was polite, although I think unnecessary, since there were so many empty seats around. But the second time? Especially when he said it was about “entitled people who think their bags deserve a seat?” Nope. Power move. He can go sit somewhere else.
What do you think?
Feature Image (cropped): JIP / Wikimedia Commons / CC BY-SA 3.0
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