Why I Don’t Want To Go To The Maldives

So, we were talking with some travel friends about places we’ve gone and have plans to visit. Joe talked about our visit to Vietnam, Cambodia and Laos to celebrate his big “birthday ending with a zero” that had happened a few months previous.

He also mentioned he picked those because he would have liked to go to the Maldives but it wasn’t an option.

“Why not?,” they asked.

“Sharon doesn’t want to go to the Maldives.”

{{{THUD}}}

Are any of you old enough to remember those E.F. Hutton commercials of the 70s and 80s?

It was kind of the same thing. Everyone just turned around and glared at me. Y’all, it was as if I had suddenly grown 3 heads or something!

And then they all tried to explain to me why I was wrong. LOLOL!

“But it’s so beautiful!” (my reply: “So is Hawaii or any tropical locale!”)

“It’s so relaxing there!” (“So is Key West and it’s a WHOLE LOT closer!”)

“Eventually it’s not going to be there anymore!” (OK, I didn’t have a wise @$$ response to that one, but hell, I’M eventually not going to be here anymore, either!)

Seriously, what am I going to do there? Its sandy beaches. I’m not a beach person. I’d sit and read a book on my iPad. I can do that in my backyard. If I really want to read a book on a beach, well, I live in Florida. Drive an hour to the coast, and there I am.

Going on 23 years in Florida and I’ve never done that. (Note from Joe: There were beach trips in 2020 but that’s because it was the only vacation we could take.)

But I wanted to take their suggestions to heart, so I did some research on things to do in the Maldives. Here’s what I found:

Adapted from The Planet D’s 15 Of The Best Things To Do In Maldives

1. SCUBA Diving

THAT would involve having SCUBA diving certification. Don’t have it, don’t want it. I have enough problems with the 2nd thing on the list…

2. Snorkeling Trips

I’ve done snorkeling a handful of times. Enough times to realize that I have a really hard time coordinating breathing just through my mouth. And I’m not a good swimmer, nor in the best shape, so I get tired halfway through, complete with my calves cramping up, and have to be “towed” back to shore. So yeah, it’s pretty to look in the water for a few minutes but overall, snorkeling is not exactly a “fun” experience for me.

3. Dolphin Watching

Again, I live in Florida. I go deep sea fishing twice a month. I see dolphins a lot. Not a way to entice me to go to the Maldives.

4. Island Hopping

Meh.

5. Meet the Locals

I love meeting the locals everywhere we go. But I do that anywhere we travel, anyway.

6. Surfing

Did I ever tell you my surfing story? When Joe and I went to Hawaii, I think it was the second time, so in 2012, we did an oh-so-touristy “learn how to surf” package. It was run by the Honolulu Fire Department. In fact, I just Googled and yup, Hawaiian Fire Surf School hung around until 2014 or so. So anyway, I’m on my surfboard with this macho man and we get to the point of my turn to try to surf. Nope. Not happening. I wouldn’t go as far as saying I had a panic attack, but there was no way on earth I was going to be on this fiberglass board as the only thing between me and the ocean and I know I’m going to fall off and did I mention that I’m not a strong swimmer? I didn’t CARE that he saved peoples’ lives for a living, I wasn’t going to do it. He said, “How about you just lay on the board and I’ll do all the work?” Nope.

So yeah, surfing? Not happening.

7. Stand Up Paddle Boarding

I wasn’t willing to lie flat on a board and let a fireman do all the work, you think I’m gonna go out on a paddle board? And what happens when my arms get too tired to paddle like they did when we went kayaking in Canada? No thank-you.

8. Visit The Spa

Now, I do love my spa visits. But I have a feeling that, like almost any other resort in the world, it will cost 2 to 3 times as much (if not more) than I’m willing to pay for any spa package.

9. Sunset Romantic Dinner

That does sound lovely. But to be honest, Joe and I are not much for “romantic” dinners. We’ve been known to spend a butt load of money on a special meal (The French Laundry, Victoria & Albert’s). But to splurge on a romantic dinner, where we can look out at the ocean that, I guess, we’d have been looking at all day? Shrug.

10. Scenic Flight Over Maldives Islands

We’ve certainly done our share of scenic flights, including a handful of helicopter rides (the one over Kauai was AMAZEBALLS!). But based on what I can see? Very similar to the flight to/from the Dry Tortugas. Lots of turquoise water, islands here and there, white sandy beaches. Been there, done that.

11. Over The Water Bungalows

Y’all, you can call them whatever you want, they’re still just hotel rooms. The web page with the list touted the benefits of jumping into the water and snorkeling or swimming (we’ve discussed that whole swimming thing to death 😉 ). “With a private deck, it’s perfect for sunbathing, swimming, and pure relaxation.” There’s that swimming again. Annnnnnd I’ve already had two – no, wait….THREE –  precancerous things removed from my body, TYVM.

12. White Sand Beaches

Just like the ones on the Gulf Coast, 75 minutes from my house…that I never go to because I’m not a beach person.

13. Fishing

OK, you got me with the fishing thing. We’re up to #13 and that’s ONE thing I’d be interested in.

14. Parasailing

Wouldn’t the view be exactly the same as the scenic flight that wouldn’t impress me because it’s the same view as key West to the Dry Tortugas? 😉

15. Explore Malé

That might be interesting.

OK. So, 15 things to do and I found 2 of them interesting. I’m not a spoilsport or an ogre, I promise. But really, I just don’t think the Maldives is “worth it” for me. I’m more into other things. I like big cities more than nature (or if it HAS to be nature, let it be a big hole in the ground, like the Grand Canyon. Now THAT impresses me). I like kitschy things. Give me quirky. Oddball. Old, Gothic cathedrals. Even museums. But the Maldives? I’ll pass.

As the good blog says, Your Mileage May Vary.

From Joe (Didn’t hurt to try.)

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