Pilots, flight attendants and other cabin crew have very important jobs, most of which have something to do, in some way, shape or form, with our safety. But that’s not to say all of these airline staff members are super serious. In fact, there’s probably little that would be further from the truth.

I don’t know who submitted these quotes to the internet over the years or where any of them came from, so please forgive me for not giving credit where credit may be due. But for your reading pleasure, here are a whole bunch of things these flight attendants, pilots and occasionally other airline staff or customers have said that might make you giggle. Enjoy!

Funny Announcements

“We are now going to dim the lights for take off. If you are scared of the dark or that the Bogey Man will get you, don’t worry, he only flies with American Airlines.”

“In a short time we will serve refreshments. Please remember that we are in the airline business, not the food business.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Braveheart and his magnificent crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”

“Please make sure you take all your belongings with you. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please don’t leave children or spouses.”

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”

“If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a small child, please do us all a favor and put your own mask on first.”

“Please feel free to leave behind any of your items in the overhead compartment; I’m having a yard sale this weekend.”

“Please notice that we are 10 minutes early. So the next time we are 2-3 hours late we’ll just call it even.”

“Thank you for choosing Southwest Airlines for your flight today. If you had any problems with this flight, just so you remember, you were riding with Delta.”

“Sit back. Relax. Enjoy our hospitality. Or you can sit up and be tense. The choice is yours.”

“Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”

“Hello and welcome to Alaska flight 438 to San Francisco. If you’re going to San Francisco, you’re in the right place. If you’re not going to San Francisco, you’re about to have a really long evening.”

After a bumpy landing: “That was a rough one. Since you all survived we expect you to keep all those promises you just made.”

Pilot as the cabin lights are dimmed “The lights are dim and you all are getting sleepy, very, very sleepy. You don’t need any assistance from your cabin crew. Sleep now. Zzzzzz.”

“Hi, I’m Captain Amanda Smith. Yes, I’m a female pilot and as a benefit if we get lost on the way I won’t be afraid to stop and ask for directions.”

From a passenger, after a series of noises and shuddering bumps during arrival: “Did we land or were we shot down?”

“Please be careful when opening the overhead bins because shift happens.”

“Sorry about the bumpy landing. It’s not the captain’s fault. It’s not the co-pilot’s fault. It’s the Asphalt.”

“In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I’m having my own personal summer. It makes a very good fan.”

“If you don’t like humor, we have exits.”

“Thanks for flying with us today. We hope you enjoyed giving us your business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”

“Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive.”

“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.”

After a bumpy landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”

“Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing please take them with our compliments.”

On a Southwest flight (SW has no seating assignments; you sit where you want), passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, “People, people, we’re not picking out furniture here. Find a seat and get in it!”

“We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight.”

To the tune of Auld Lang Syne:
“Should other airlines be forgot,
And never brought to mind,
Remember Southwest got you here,
And we got you here on time!”

“For those of you wondering about the weather at our destination, Honolulu is reporting sunny skies and temperatures of 86 degrees. Unfortunately our destination is Nome Alaska which is reporting 27 degrees below zero and blowing snow.”

“No smoking is allowed, not even in the toilets. Don’t be naughty in our potty. If you do there is a $2,000 fine, and if you had that kind of money you’d be flying United instead of Southwest.”

While waiting at the gate “Sorry for the delay folks but the machine that breaks your luggage is broken. We’ll have you off the plane as soon as we get done breaking it by hand.”

After a plane taxied for a long time: “If you look to your right that was the terminal we left an hour ago. I hope you enjoyed your tour of the airport. We should be leaving shortly.”

“When exiting the plane please watch out for the low overhead door. If you forget, please watch your language.”

In reference to oxygen masks: “Please help yourself before helping small children or politicians.”

“We’ll be landing as soon as we get closer to the ground.”

After take off from Orange County the power was reduced which made the engines quieter. The flight attendant then said “Shhhh, we’re flying over rich people.”

After a heavy landing the pilot announced, “As you may already know, we have hit our destination.”

After a plane landed, arrived at the gate and the seat belt sign went off. The Southwest attendant said, “All rise.”

“Today’s flight should take about 3 hours, but luckily I know a shortcut so we might be a little early.”

“Those on the left side of the plane, if you look out of your window you will see John Travolta’s plane” to which all passengers on the left eagerly looked out of the window. “Those on the right side can look out of their window and see John Travolta.” There was a mad rush of passengers to the right as the flight attendant cracked up in laughter.

As the plane is taxiing to the gate the pilot announces, “We are currently recruiting people to clean the aircraft. If you wish to volunteer then please stand before we have come to a stop.”

“Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate. At no time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate. So please don’t even try.”

Flight attendant on a Virgin Australia flight “And today we have someone who is celebrating their 21^st birthday, please stand up xxxxxxx……Fancy that, 21 and never been in a Virgin.”

On an early morning flight “I noticed a few ladies who forgot to put on their makeup this morning. I’ll be dimming the lights for your convenience.”

“Our flight attendants will be coming down the aisle to collect any trash, along with any chocolates or jewellery. Unfortunately they don’t accept husbands or wives.”

“Position your seat belt tight, low and across your hips, like my grandmother wears her support bra.”

“Even though the small bag may not inflate you are receiving lots of gin. Oxygen, that is.”

“For those of you traveling with your children – why? And for those of you that are traveling with two of your children, what in the world were you thinking?”

“To operate your seat belt insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; if you don’t know how to operate a seat belt you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.”

“Thank you for flying with us today. And the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of US Airways.”

“The signs on the ceiling and the disco lights on the floor will lead you to the exits.”

“Folks this is a life vest, not a toilet seat cover.”

“We wouldn’t have shown up for work tonight if we’d anticipated a decompression in the cabin pressure.”

“For your safety and those you might fall on, please keep your seat belt fastened.”

“You will find the safety briefing card in your seat pocket. It is beautiful and has lots of nice pictures.”

Announced during a period of turbulence: “No need to be alarmed folks, that’s just the sound of your luggage being ejected from the aircraft.”

“In the unlikely event of a water landing, just think of the incredible story you’ll be able to tell your grandchildren.”

“If you are traveling with someone who needs assistance, put your own mask on first then assist the other passenger – unless it is my ex-boyfriend, and then don’t bother.”

“I’ve just been informed that my mother in law has just passed security and will be shortly boarding this flight using one of my crew passes. If you all sit down fast, we should be able to get out of here before she arrives.”

“In the event of a drop in cabin pressure please put on your own oxygen mask first and then assist your child. If you don’t want to assist the child, it’s okay, we will not judge you.”

“As we taxi out we’d like those passengers sat on the right side of the aircraft to press their faces against the window. We’d like to remind those other airlines what a full plane looks like.”

“Okay folks, connecting flights…..oh look, there’s 10 of you going to Cleveland…..That could be…..fun.”

“Prior to takeoff the flight attendants will be walking up and down the aisle to make sure all of you have matching socks.”

“Southwest is going to some very new, interesting, and even exotic places nowadays. Aruba, Cancun, Jamaica…even Flint, Michigan.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the home of the World Champion 1908 Chicago Cubs!” (this is apparently more than a couple of years old)

“Please refrain from smoking until you reach a designated smoking area, which, for California, is Las Vegas.”

“Your menu choices are chicken or pasta. If we’re out of your choice by the time we get to you, don’t worry, they all taste the same.”

“This aircraft is equipped to land on water….once.”

As the passengers applaud the end of a safety announcement “We appreciate your applause, but frankly, we prefer cash.”

“Please return your seats to their upright and most uncomfortable position.”

Pilot: “Ladies and Gentlemen welcome aboard this Southwest flight to Denver. We will be taking off just as soon I get through page 10 of this flight manual.”

“Thank you for flying Southwest. We know you have other choices but you’re too cheap so you’re flying with us.”

“Please keep your seat belts fastened and enjoy our complimentary turbulence.”

“We just found a wallet in the aisle……now that we have your attention here is some important safety information.”

“Keep your mask on until you’re told to remove it by a uniformed flight attendant. Don’t listen to the naked flight attendants, you can’t trust them.”

What have you heard?

Have you ever heard any announcements or comments from airline crew that made you smile or even laugh? Please share….we can all use the giggle!

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