Flying with children, especially babies, isn’t fun. Of course, you may luck out and fly with a baby who winds up being a terrific little traveler. But a 10-hour flight is hard enough on adults. So you can only imagine how uncomfortable it might be for a very little one…and, with that, their flying companion(s), and everyone around them.
But one woman, who goes by kthrowaway244 on Reddit, recently had to make a decision – should she fly with her 4-month-old so he could meet his grandparents, or no?
According to what she wrote, her parents have never been thrilled with her husband. In fact, she never even mentioned him to them until they were engaged. She gave birth to their first child 4 months ago and now her parents are pressuring her to bring the baby and visit. The parents live 10 hours away by plane, and the baby tends to be loud and fuzzy – she’s terrified of the reaction they’ll get after 10 hours of this. And yet the parents won’t fly to visit their grandchild. She wants to know if she’s an A-hole for not visiting.
This is the situation that was written in Reddit’s AmITheA-hole forum about 3 weeks ago.
Reddit is an American social news aggregator, web content rating, and discussion website. It was established in 2005. It’s a huge community, with over 430 million monthly active members. Registered members can submit content to the site, including links, text posts, and images, which other members then vote up or down.
Reddit has over 100,000 active communities, one of which is called AITA. The initials represent the term, “Am I The A-Hole.” The community is defined as, “A catharsis for the frustrated moral philosopher in all of us, and a place to finally find out if you were wrong in an argument that’s been bothering you. Tell us about any non-violent conflict you have experienced; give us both sides of the story, and find out if you’re right, or you’re the a-hole.” It’s kind of like a “jury of your peers” sort of thing.
So here’s the whole store about the baby – you can read it here, too (heads up there’s adult language). It’s gotten, like 2,600 replies in the past 3 weeks.
AITA for refusing to go on a 10hour+ flight with my baby?
Long story short, my parents hate my husband. But because I am their child, they accepted him “for my happiness.” Context, my mom was fine with him until my dad found out (I told my mom first).
It’s not like he’s a bad person. My parents just had someone else in mind. Anyways, my parents moved back to where we’re from while I stayed and I eventually met my husband. We’ve been dating since 19 and we kept our relationship secret from from my parents for years until he proposed to me.
Now I just gave birth to our first child and obviously my parents want to meet him. The thing is, they live nowhere near North America and the flight would be miserable. I hate flying in general but with a baby? I get anxious thinking about it.
I’ve put it off for a long time and even asked my parents if they could fly over (we’d pay for everything) but they said it was disrespectful for me to even ask. I’ve been stuck in a thing of “fine, we’ll come” and “no I can’t do this” and it’s affecting my whole life. My mom calls me twice a day just to remind me that I have to come and that she wants to see her grandbaby before he gets too big but I finally came to the conclusion that I can’t.
He’s a fussy baby and needs to be held by me a lot. He lets his dad hold him for a couple hours but then he won’t stop crying till I hold him. I can’t do that on a plane. And I’m terrified of the reaction we might get since he does make a lot of noise. If it was a smaller flight I could make do but it would be over 10 hours. I’m exhausted just thinking about it and then I have to deal with my parents and their passive aggressive comments right after.
I called my mom and told her that we won’t be coming. She got very angry and kept ranting about my husband keeping us away from them. She eventually said “forget it, we don’t want to see his child. Don’t call us again.”
My aunt (who I don’t talk to) said that she’s very upset with me and my mom has been so excited to see the baby but we crushed her. Apparently dad doesn’t want to see the baby but mom really does (but she refuses to travel without him) which is why she’s been pushing me so hard.
I feel bad because I know how much my mom adores babies and I get she’s in a tough spot but I can’t fly for over 10 hours with a 4 month old. AITA?
A few other things she said later on:
There’s a lot of cultural ties that I didn’t really think about.
So yes they only found out about him because we were planning on getting married but they still do not know that we dated for years. They think that we both liked each other but weren’t officially dating, just interested. The anger stems from me insisting on marrying him (a white man) instead of a man from my home country.
Anyways, the lying wasn’t to deceive them or anything but for my and my husband’s well being. They couldn’t know that I was in a very serious relationship with him because there’s seriously no telling how they would’ve reacted. I doubt they would’ve “accepted” him at all. Maybe worse. My dad still pretty much lost it, I can’t imagine how he would’ve reacted if he knew that I spent most of my time with my husband.
They don’t need to meet him to hate him. He is not the same race and does not believe in the same religion, it is enough for them to hate him/disapprove of him. Sad as it is, many girls (and even boys) in my position hide their relationships from their families. And by “acceptance” I mean they’ve stopped telling me off for marrying him. They’ve also stopped invalidating my marriage and trying to get me to speak to religious figures/other men.
Your other question, mom told me they both wanted to see the baby but aunt said my dad doesn’t want to. I don’t know which one is true but I’m more inclined to believe my aunt.
She also added:
I’m still trying to speak up to my parents, as pathetic as it sounds. Me marrying my husband despite their wishes is probably the worst thing I could’ve done so it’s easier now but I still have to remember that I’m not 17 and financially dependent on them anymore.
And the pettiness is hilarious. There’s a lovely older couple that I’m close to that have met my son and offered to be his maternal grandparents haha so it’s not like I’d be lying.
One person asked: “Out of curiosity, which country (or region) are you from? Recognize that norms vary pretty significantly from region to region, but this sounds pretty insane to expect for a daughter.”
And her reply was:
I’m being a bit vague on purpose but you can probably figure it out. I was born and raised in North America but my parents are from South Asia (where they currently live).
She continued later on:
Yes I was born and raised here. Then they left when I was 18 and in college. It took a miracle as they were planning on me coming with but I stood my ground. I promised to travel there during the summer breaks but that stopped as I got older for various reasons. I mostly visited because I was financially dependent on them but once that stopped they hardly saw me again (this was also around the time they found out about my husband). We saw each other at my wedding, one time after that, and that’s about it.
Someone also asked if her parents have ever met her husband. She replied:
They haven’t said anything too terrible to his face. They told him to back off and get with his own type once but after that they keep their mouths closed around him. Overall, they’ve only met him about a handful of times. A couple dinners and our wedding.
They sound like read charmers, huh?
Anyway, here’s the spoiler: overwhelming, she was considered NTA (Not The A-hole). Here are some of the replies (edited only for adult language, length and clarity):
- NTA. It’s hard to fly with a baby. They get exposed to a lot of germs and fussy babies are not good travelers.
I flew with my youngest once and he cried the entire flight due to the air pressure. I felt bad for him, for our fellow passengers, for us. I wished there were a soundproof box,but nothing helped until we dropped in altitude. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. It’s been 16 years and just typing it makes me recall the stress.
Sounds like your parents want to see you and the baby but without your husband. — insomniacmomof3 - Nta. You dont bring the new born to visit people for the first time. They come to you. Whether thats a 10 hour flight or a 10 minute drive — FreeManDrives
- NTA.
Don’t take a child on a plane unless they behave or there is no other choice. You ruin the flight for yourself and everyone, so if they don’t want to come cut them out because you have a kid to raise and no time for their bullshit. Be stern you’re an adult and your kids well being relies on you don’t place your child in discomfort for their comfort f**k them. — deleted name - I understand your culture may be different, but it’s ok to set strong and healthy boundaries. Do not let yourself be manipulated. NTA — bobtheturd
- NTA – Don’t wanna make assumptions, but when they don’t wanna visit and hate your husband so bad, I think their goal is to keep you and your baby in their country, this could explain why they don’t wanna come instead. — LessThanZero972
- You don’t want to fly with your baby, your baby does not want to be stuck in a plane for 14 hours, and other passengers don’t want to deal with a fussy baby either. Stay home. Go on a fun family vacation closer. Enjoy your baby and your husband. They’ll come or they won’t. Their request is unreasonable. NTA — 3littlepixies
- I might make some assumptions here but it sounds like your parents brought you to North America at some point to live. While they’ve gone back you’re staying here and will be raising your child here. So while I recognize there are cultural things that your parents expect you to follow they don’t work with your new lifestyle. Your parents are using your husband as an excuse to get you to do what you want. You say you picked him so cherish that relationship and your new child. If your parents dig in their heels and don’t come see your baby it is their loss. It would be a nightmare trip. I have many clients who take their babies from California to India and always come back so upset over how horrible the flight was. It’s 2023. Grandpa and grandma can come to you. You are not the a-hole. Stay strong!! — Sea-Tea8982
- No, they are entitled an unreasonable. They should be flying to you – end of story. It’s actually very disrespectful to ask you to travel that long with a baby. — meowmeow_now
- I have many coworkers who are from India, Korea, China, Singapore and now live in U.S.A…and all their parents flew out to see the baby. If my friends parents from Hyderabad can fly 23 hours with a 3 hour layover in Dubai to see their grandchild, your parents can do it too. Geez. — MrMiaMorto
- How sad. Mom adores babies. Didn’t come for the birth to make sure you were ok. Doesn’t offer to come help. Just likes babies. Does mom like fussy babies? If you went and you son cries because he is fussy anyway and doesn’t want to be held by stranger-grandma, will she like him? Will that be your fault too? NTA. There is nothing to e gained by making this trip. — AtLeqstOneType
- NTA. And it is really not safe for you to travel to your country with a child under 1. They recommend you get several additional vaccines before traveling there. That would be hard on him athis age in itself. And then to additionally to put his little under developed immune system through several long flights and being in yoyr country, is pretty much guaranteeing that he will get really sick. https://wwwnc.cdc.gov/travel/yellowbook/2024/itineraries/india But you absolutely should not have to explain that to your mother. She should know it’s not a good idea for the two of you to travel there when he is so young. I think you should definitely go very low contact with her until she learns to not talk badly about your family. She cand either suck it up and treat you amicably about all things to do with your family, or she will not be allowed in your life. I also think it is extremely suspicious that she is pushing so hard for only you and the baby to go there. I would be VERY cautious if you ever do choose to go there with your child, and insist that your husband can come too or you won’t go at all. I wouldn’t put it past your parents to try and trap you there, and then adopt out your child. — JeanJean84
- OP, there is a time where you need to stay your ground and be a mother first and a daughter second. Your parent’s hatred for your husband will be inherited by your child. Protect your kid from that. Their hatred of your husband is larger than the love they have for your child. NTA. — Joxem13
- Is this a cultural thing? I’ve learned a lot from Reddit posts that certain culturals have very different expectations from children. NTA in any way BTW. You have to do whats best for you and baby. I know it hurts to tell your mom to FO but you need to put you and baby way ahead of her “wants” Your father sounds like a gem too. Just hunker down with hubs and baby and if they don’t come around then they miss out. Tell Auntie to mind her own business. “Times are a changin” as they say. Happy baby. Congrats. — Lisa_knows_Best
- The first time I flew a 22 hour flight, my one year old ended up in hospital with croup and scarlet fever. An aeroplane is a flying disease incubator. I strongly advise against it. You are doing the right thing by not going. Your parents can choose how to react. Like babies or adults. — Moldy-Warp
- NTA at all.
I can’t help but hear your mom saying “I want to see the baby so bad that YOU have to flip your whole world upside down to make it happen!”
If she wants to see him so bad, she will make it happen! Whether it’s a chartered flight with just you and the baby, or dragging her bitter ass around the world to see this child she supposedly adores, she will show you what she really wants.
You have a new baby and a whole new world of problems on your shoulders- do not let a relative make you feel like you owe them your child, and don’t apologize for not bending over backwards to accommodate their wishes.
Tell your mom the concerns at hand- tell her your husband is happy to let them visit, and willing to pay their way oversees, but the fact of the matter is the baby cannot travel yet. They can either wait until baby is old enough to travel, or swallow their pride and make a sacrifice for what they want. — ComplexIndividual866 - I have an Asian mom. Out of my siblings, I have the most respect from my mom, and now also my dad. And they call me much less than the others, because they cannot control me. It is about control. I am in control of my life. I started making decisions and standing my ground. I realized I have the control, because my mom wants to talk to me & see me. If she’s going to criticize me for being fat or my hair has too many colors, I will tell her I don’t want to hear this and warn her I am hanging up if she doesn’t let up. Because I gained respect from her, my dad also respects me. My siblings still get controlling and criticizing calls that last forever. I tried to tell them the same thing about control, but it is very tough for my older sibling, so my mom continues to yell & criticize & call continuously. The Asian culture can be manipulative and emotionally abusive, and you need to realize you are an adult with your own decisions. I still respect my elders: but I don’t let them step on me. — gidgeteering
There were a handful of people who looked at it from another point of view:
- Objective point: 10 hours is hard but doable… baby will be fine. We travelled from Germany to India when our baby was 4 months old and the trip was super comfortable since baby just slept. She cried for 30 mins and that’s ok…
Baby bassinet will be provided and that makes it much easier to travel at 4 months than at 8 months since baby can’t sit up at 4 months which means you’ll find it much easier. Trouble is if baby cries due to pressure difference but that’s a non negotiable problem until baby turns 6-7 years old, so makes no difference…
— Breastfeed the baby when you’re taking off and landing and baby should ideally be fine.
— Carry tons of snacks for yourself. Baby will sleep through the flight mostly
Best travel now than 4 months later when baby will be stronger and bassinet won’t work which means travel will actually be f**king tough…
Best time to travel with baby is at 3-4 months since they don’t crawl or get up… if you push it off it’ll become a nightmare 6 months later — the_fart_cloud - Could your Aunt travel with your Mom? Your Dad doesn’t want to go, but is there someone else that could accompany her? NTA — IAmCakeMonster
- NTA. But…
My parents are elsewhere. I fly back with the baby every year. Now he is 5. Let me tell you that flying with a newborn or a 2 year old is waaaaay easier than flying with a toddler. Hands down. Our flight home is 22 hours not including layovers.
If you are nervous, totally understand. But imo, take the easy paths now. Travel now before demon child terrorizes everyone on the plane. — ScarlettFu - In addition to the good advice you’ve gotten, I might recommend making it clear to your mother that it’s not your husband saying no. It’s you. That’s worth taking ownership of so they don’t find another reason to resent him. They are the ones who chose to move away, it shouldn’t be on you to accomodate when raising an infant is already hard enough. If they don’t get that, maybe a little time with LC will help them come around and understand their behavior has consequences. — name deleted
- You’re partially NTA. But I am absolutely aghast by how everyone here thinks it’s okay for the mother to not see their grandchild and the daughter shouldn’t care showing her baby to her own parents because they are racists, most people in this World are racists, so many white people are racists and so hateful of immigrants and people of color. So much hypocrisy. To the OP : The parents will eventually come around and accept your husband, it might take a while but they will and your husband and you too need to be a little more patient and give them their time. Once the baby starts crawling or walking travelling with a toddler could get all the more harder, I’ve travelled with my baby 5 month old postpartum by flight for a holiday, it was hard but not impossible, it’s about priorities. But if you don’t want to fly di you mean to say you never will fly for quite some time now? Even if you’re going on a vacation?? And honestly if you’re from India you’re better off here than in the US, I have no idea what America is bragging about especially with their medical system. Most of your doctors are from India/ East who go to the US and clear the USMLE exams. You don’t have to wait (at all) to get a doctor’s appointment for your baby’s pediatrician in India and don’t have to pay an arm and leg for anything. You get state of the art medical attention at a nominal cost. Honestly should you be worried about your child’s health in case of medical emergencies India ( I guess you’re Indian or atleast Pakistani) you’re honestly better off here than the US. You’re not responsible for how your mother or father feels but that doesn’t mean if your relationship is going through a rough patch you can (and should) make attempts to go beyond to fix it. I feel you’re only partially NTA because me being a South East Asian myself, knowing our family values and structure – you’d realise it’s worth going above and beyond saving your family especially parents. — ThePonderousMare
- Another consideration is concerns once you get off the plane. Traveling to many parts of Asia from the US requires you to get vaccinated against some bad diseases. I’m sure the baby is too young to get some of the vaccines and might possibly be exposed once there.
And everyone that would be on the airplane would thank you for not bringing a crying baby on a 10 hour flight. LOL.
Use Zoom. They can see the baby that way. — Chickadee12345
Our take on this
Our take on this is pretty much what everyone else who voted “NTA.” The parents are racists, hateful and manipulative. And a 4-month-old shouldn’t be on a plane unless absolutely necessary – not only from a health point of view, but from a comfort one for both mom AND baby.
If they want to see that baby so much, they can come to the U.S. otherwise they can wait.
Feature Photo: Pixabay
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