“If you don’t stop that right now, I’m going to turn this car around and we are going home!”
How many times did you hear that sort of threat when you were growing up? I know I did. However, I also knew, by a certain age, that my parents were not, in fact, going to turn that car around and go home. That’s when the threat stopped working. But at 8 or 9 years old? Yeah, it was enough of a threat.
Such was the case of a woman on Reddit, username vacationslayer238, who was on vacation with her family not long ago. Her 2 older kids apparently don’t get along, and miiiiight be in need of some frequent, oh, let’s call them “teaching moments” (read: these kids need to learn discipline and respect!). And when she had had enough, this hero of a mom followed through on that age old threat, and took everyone home, less than 24 hours into their vacation. Now she wants to know if she was right or if she was an A-hole.
That’s the gist of a situation that popped up last week on the AITA area of Reddit.
Reddit is an American social news aggregator, web content rating, and discussion website. Registered members submit content to the site, such as links, text posts, and images, which other members then voted up or down.
Reddit has an area called AITA, which stands for “Am I The A-Hole.” They describe the community as, “A catharsis for the frustrated moral philosopher in all of us, and a place to finally find out if you were wrong in an argument that’s been bothering you. Tell us about any non-violent conflict you have experienced; give us both sides of the story, and find out if you’re right, or you’re the a-hole.” It’s sort of like a jury of their peers kind of thing and you may eventually be determined to YTA (You’re The A-Hole) or NTA (Not The A-Hole).
Anyway, here’s the original post:
AITA for cancelling vacation less than 24 hours in due to my kid’s behavior?
My husband and I have 3 kids, 9M, 8M, and 3F. The boys have been driving us crazy. They fight like cats and dogs. We’ve had countless talks with them about respecting each other, to no avail. I understand sibling rivalry but it’s gotten to the point it’s disruptive to us all, every day.
I already told my husband last week I wasn’t sure if the vacation was a good idea. My husband shut me down pretty much immediately and things went ahead as planned.
First of all, the 3.5 hour car ride was (predictably) hell. Boys fighting and riling each other up the whole time. Husband and I kept trying to reassure each other that things would be better once we got there and they would be too excited to cause trouble.
We were wrong. They had so many reminders of what not to do once we got to the rental house…so they do everything wrong from the get go.
Shoes on the white furniture? Check. Running in the house? Check. I turned my back for 2 seconds and the 8 y/o threw a box of chalk in the pool to keep his brother from getting it. We went out to lunch and they were out of control in the restaurant. 9M ran away from us in a strange place because he didn’t get his way.
We finally go to the beach and they are frankly being brats. Refusing sunscreen. Fighting over toys. Pushing their luck repeatedly going farther and farther out in the water than we told them to. Cursing.
By the time we got back to the house, it was around dinner time and I was fed up. They were totally ruining it for everybody. Nothing had worked and I told my husband we needed to go home, for the reasons mentioned above, mainly that they needed to see a REAL consequence.
My husband still insisted it would get better. I put my foot down and told him that I didn’t even want to be there at that point so either I was leaving, or we all were. He got super pissed and told me it was ridiculous and unfair to our daughter. I actually agree with him but saw no other choice at this point. Of course when I tell the kids they immediately burst into tears and are begging to stay, promising they will behave.
My mother, who came with us, was also near tears. She thinks her precious grandbabies do no wrong. She argued with me too, begging me to “just let it go” but I refused to budge. So, we left, less than 24 hours into a 4 day vacation.
Half the ride home was spent with them sobbing and my husband pretty much gave me the silent treatment the whole way. My mother decided to stay behind a little longer but then started randomly texting me about 30 minutes in, asking if I was serious (she knew I was) and told me the whole reason she came was to spend time with the kids, so I had now “ruined it for everybody” and “they’re only little once”.
Here we are the following evening and pretty much no one likes me right now except my 3-year-old. Are they right? AITA?
The post got over 4,000 comments in 2 days, and they seemed to be in a couple of camps (comments are edited only for adult language, clarity and brevity):
Start working on your kids
- Consistent consequences every single time is the only way to change this. These kids know that there will be no consequences. — BlazingSunflowerland
- Absolutely. We would have backed the truck up and gone home if this is how they behaved too. My dad always would say to us you can do anything you want, you just have to deal with the consequences. Then he’d set the stage for what would happen and he’d follow through every time. We knew if we f**ked around with him we’d find out. Our kids knew the same. Listen and behave, or we are going home. I’ve taken a misbehaving kid out to the car to let the rest of the family eat in peace. Truth is, I only had to do it once per kid. Lol they remember. Grabbing the two misbehaving kids and going home is what they needed. NTA. Lay down the law, set consequences for bad behavior, and follow through every time. They are only kids once and now is the time to prevent them from being entitled adults. — endosurgery
- NTA. Actions have consequences. Your sons are learning a needed lesson. — Snowflake10000000
- I couldn’t believe I read this whole thing and she didn’t set a consequence until they left…
won’t put on sunblock at the beach? they have to go back up to the house…
get too far out into the water? They can’t go in the water for the rest of the day…
Put their shoes on the furniture? Why aren’t they taking their shoes off at the door?
Without knowing more of their dynamic at home I can’t say if OP is clueless, or she’s trying her best and undermined by her spouse and MIL.
But “consequences” can’t just pop out of nowhere. To have good discipline you need to say “If you do X, Y will happen” and then you follow through every time. If you don’t give that warning, and just spring consequences out of nowhere, sometimes, but not always, they won’t actually learn to listen. — OrindaSarnia - They might have to go low contact with grandma for awhile. Her family needs therapy because those kids shouldn’t be that wild. — delorf
- I don’t understand when parents complain about their young children acting horribly. Why are you allowing them to act horribly? There were 3 adults there. Why couldn’t they separate the boys? One throws the chalk into the pool? Ok your pool time is done. Back to the room. Going too far out in the water? Told you once, you disregarded. Back up to the room. Cussing in public? Back to the room. — WhichWitchyWay
- Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. NTA. — Key-Article6622
- Perhaps had they actually parented their children for the last 8/9yrs then this wouldn’t have been an issue. Sounds to me like the kids are AH because they lack boundaries and when boundaries are broken their parents lack any skills to deal with it appropriately.
Kids were AH in the restaurant, why? How did the kid run away? There was a suitable kid to adult ratio avoid that.
This is a consequence of their s**t parenting. — Dazzling-Landscape41 - Probably, with the benefit of hindsight, the thing to do was shut down the beach sooner on the off-chance you could avoid going nuclear. No sunscreen? Ok back to the hotel we go. Going too deep? Nope, we have to go now, I can’t trust you to be safe. But it’s hard when you don’t want to shut down the activity for the whole family. — Perspex_Sea
- As a mother of sons, you really can’t let everything go because boys will be boys. One of my kids has ADHD, and he still respects he rules because all our large extended family is all board with them. Kids grow up to be dysfunctional adults if adults don’t work as a team to reinforce some basic rules and expectations; be safe, be kind, have good manners, respect others, respect yourself. — FadedQuill
Start working on your husband and mother
- Clearly OP either never laid down consequences when her boys were a lot younger, or was sabotaged at every point by her husband and/or mother.
INFO: is “they’re only little once” or “boys will be boys” your husband’s/ mother’s reaction to every instance of misbehavior? I saw this exact family dynamic with my BIL’s family. SIL would try to discipline her son, BIL would just laugh at his antics. If the punishment actually went through, he’d run to MIL and she would countermand it and yell at SIL for upsetting her precious grandbaby. — TheFilthyDIL - Yes. OP, tell your mom “They’re only little once, so I only have this ONE chance to correct their horrible behavior and keep them from become entitled grownup a-holes.” — ItsAboutResilience
- I’m getting the sense that the husband may not discipline the kids the same way the mother does and/or leaves it entirely up to her. These kids probably play the game of if mom says no, we’ll just ask dad. They need to get on the same page if this is the case. — KittyCubed
- grandma seems like an enabler, that s**t needs to stop — Boogiebadaboom
- That seems to be the problem tho, Dad doesn’t seem to deal with them. His whole ” it will get better ” attitude while not actually giving the kids consequences is a huge problem. If how he was on vacation is his normal attitude it’s no wonder they are behaving this way. They are 8 and 9, before these parents know it they will be teenagers and if there aren’t consequences set up now it’s only going to get worse. If they can’t respect their parents enough to at least be civil with each other that’s a problem. — Poorchick91
- NTA. The AH is your husband, who is questioning your authority in front of the kids. The other AH is your mother, who wants you to raise future serial killers, apparently. No, you are enforcing discipline, as any good parent should. — North_Badgers6101
Miscellaneous Stuff (that didn’t fit in the other categories):
- *Snorts a line of birth control * — Similar-Sense4085
- The people who really pay the penalty are the innocent strangers (restaurant, beach, etc.) who are imposed upon by horribly behaved children. My definition of “children” includes the 8yo, 9yo, father, and grandmother. Entitled AHs who don’t care about anyone else. — SVAuspicious
- Momma, you should take your littlest one for a “girl’s night out”, and let the dad and grandma deal with the boys. Or, offer separate trips (sucks, I know, but we’re trying to teach a valuable lesson here lol). Betcha they’ll be talking about implementing discipline by the time you get back. — sinny_sphinx
- Oh baby. The next time OP drops the “if you do that again we are going home” everyone’s butt is going to snap shut. — 3rdeyeopenwide
- Agreed. And I suspect now they will remember this as “Mom isn’t playing around.” I don’t make threats I don’t intend to carry out…and I feel like that plays into this. If everyone thought OP was going to relent and change her mind, that sort of makes me think it’s happened before.
NTA, OP. And good for you for sticking to it. The adults will get over it…and it sounds like the 3 year old already has. — Icy_Bison3675 - I agree for the most part but therapy is not the cure-all a lot of people on reddit think it is. Counseling only helps if people agree they need help and want to get help. If dad thinks he’s done nothing wrong and insists that his boys are “just being kids” or whatever, OP is just going to be wasting her money. Dad won’t listen to anything the counselor says and will continue to undermine mom. Idk what the solution is, tbh. I feel bad for OP who is in a horrible situation. Unless she can convince her husband that he is being a bad dad and that they both need to be on the same page, then this will only continue. The boys will learn that mom is uptight and no fun and they should just ignore her because dad will side with them, dad will continue to enable them and insist that things will ‘get better’, but they never actually will. — NurserySchoolTeacher
- I need to remember stories like these when I dread the pain of an IUD change. — jaierauj
What do you think about how it all panned out?
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1 comment
My siblings and I learned very young that our parents never bluffed when they made threats about us behaving. It took just one example for each of us to learn this and honestly it served everyone well long term as a result. After all, if you’re told to behave or we’re going home and you absolutely know they mean it, you behave. It’s unfortunate that as an adult you have to be so adamant every time but then you don’t get situations like the parents were in in this case.