Going through the TSA security checkpoint generally should be an easy process. But, of course, that only happens if you know what the rules are and follow them. The “Can I Bring?” tab of the MyTSA app is very helpful in terms of giving you a heads up on what you can bring on board and what you can’t. However that doesn’t stop jerks from bringing forbidden items in their carry on, such as big, bottles of perfume (um, that jerk was me – but it wasn’t on purpose!) and, of course, guns on a daily basis.
Then you have the people who know that what’s in their luggage is going to cause a commotion, so they write a “Dear TSA Officers, I can explain!” letter (he really did it – you can read it here) and put it in their luggage.
And THEN there are the people who follow all the rules and they STILL get stopped and searched. Like these people (only edits were for adult language):
One time my dad had a few rocks of petrified wood in a bag, and had his phone charger right next to it. They almost went DEFCON 1 and did radio people to show up and act if it went down. But they opened the bag and saw it was rocks and a charger. They told him that it looked absolutely identical to what they had been taught a bomb looked like. – AudiieVerbum
Glass jellyfish. Like those blown glass ones that are super cool at art galleries. I got pulled aside into a small room because they thought I was smuggling sea life. Was an interesting time. – Aelsar
TSA agent asked to search me with the back of his hand and I said “okay sure.” The back of his hand hit my d**k and he said “what’s that?” to which my only response was “That’d be my penis.” The TSA woman next to him started laughing at him and his face went pale before he said “you’re clear, move along.” – DarkSlayerKi
Not in the USA but in France, I got stopped on the way through customs by an agent who said something fast and aggressive-sounding in French. My French isn’t great, so I just looked puzzled and said I didn’t understand. The guy quickly beckoned another guy over and explained to him in rapid-fire French what was going on. The second guy turned to me and said “He says your T-shirt is really cool and can you tell him where you got it?”. It was a Star Wars T-shirt that I got as a birthday present, so I couldn’t even tell him where it came from. Luckily, he didn’t arrest me. – 99thLuftballoon
My mom passed away unexpectedly in California. I flew out to pick up her ashes and there was a terror alert at LAX. It was unreal; the military was in the airport with what looked like machine guns. I was out of my mind with grief and drugged to the gills. I was dealing with a bad back, and had to fly from California to a small town in Virginia for the memorial service. Security was heightened and everyone was being searched. I only had a small carry on and my mom’s ashes. When I got to the TSA, the agent wanted me to open my mother’s box of ashes! I refused and insisted they x ray the box instead. It showed nothing inside ( duh- ashes) which convinced the TSA agent that it had some sort of cloaking device and was hiding a bomb. Again he insisted that I open the box that held my mom’s ashes. I was beginning to lose my shit. I called my husband who works in nuclear power and explained what was going on. He told me to tell the TSA agent to place a coin under the box and send it through the X-ray again. He did and thank goodness he saw the coin. Otherwise I would have been arrested for assaulting a stupid TSA agent. – Due_Judgment_9518
I’m so glad someone finally asked this.
I was at the Boston airport and asked to grab my things and step aside.
The TSA agent turned his computer monitor and asked me if I wanted to explain myself.
Explain what? I said
On the screen, there was my body X-Ray with a plethora of orange circles all over my body.
My crotch, the center of my face, my chest, my knees, my shoes. You name it.
He then tells me: “Sir, I’m gonna have to perform an enhanced pat down and I’m very sorry about this. Are you going to kick, scream, yell, film me, put me on YouTube etc?”
I tell him just to get it over with.
He basically molests me while turning beat red.
As he’s kneeling down next to my balls he says: “I’m really just too old to do this anymore I’m so sorry sir.”
Turns out I had zero metal items on my body nor in the center of my head. – ritualaesthetic
They thought my insulin pump was a bomb. I was tackled by TSA immediately. I was 14 at the time, still traumatized. – MysteryMan04501
Technically not the TSA, but New Zealand airport security.
Was flying back from a month long trip to NZ in early Jan 2020, facing nearly 48 hrs of travel time including layovers before I could lie down in my own bed back in Scotland.
Trundled my way through check in and up to the security line, doing one last check for any liquids, scissors, or other dumb s**t I might be carrying. Put my carry on into the x-ray, and go into what resembled the transporter room from the enterprise. Clear doors close on either side of me, and a quick blast of air hits me.
Having seen everyone else before get a literal green light, was slightly concerned when the entire thing went red. Guy in the other side took me to one side, saying it was probably a false positives that they were quite new and prone to being a bit sensitive.
The security dude runs a swap on a stick over my clothes and and hair, and puts the swap into a machine that resembles an office printer. To my increasing alarm, this also turns red, and the security dudes brow furrows in confusion. ‘Huh, that’s odd’ Not words you want to hear from airport security
He does it again, and again the machine turns red. Guy turns to me and asks where exactly I’ve been over the week (this was approx 7th Jan). I begin to explain my movements the last 7-10 days in a slightly panicked manner, imagining being stopped on my journey home before it even starts, and he stops me when I mention I was in Auckland for New Years.
He asks where I was precisely at midnight, and I explain I was standing pretty much directly underneath the Sky Tower at midnight, the one you see in the news as it’s one of the first big celebrations with fireworks.
His face turns to relief and he chuckles, and explains that the machines had detected compounds that are the by-products of explosions. I had been standing less that 100 feet from the base of the tower, right below the fireworks. This then meant I was coated in the falling dust, and a small amount was still detectable a week (and several showers) later.
Gave me a band for me and my luggage, and sent me on my way, a little more anxious than before.
Tl:Dr got stopped just after New Years by airport security for being covered in firework dust – LWS_117
I got stopped once. Apparently circular knitting needles and a blob of yarn look like a bomb. – 47687236
So there i am in the airport security line to fly out of an islamic country. Theres a man and woman security guards waving people through the metal detector. BEEP BEEP BEEP. The f**k? I’m a pro traveler, i know how to empty my pockets, belt, watch etc.
“Sir, are you wearing safety shoes?”…………”huh?” I say..
Oh……..he’s asking if i have steel toe shoes….”no” i say
I start patting my cargo short pockets wondering what it could be.
Crinkle crinkle…..oh no
I pull out a mega strip of 20 alumimum wrapped condoms that i bought because they were awesome and i couldn’t get them in my home country. They werent in the box because i bought them while walking around a couple days before and wanted it to take less space in my pockets. I completely forgot they were even there
The security lady in her hijab turns bright red and busts out laughing. Security dude doesn’t miss a beat, looks me dead in the eye with a huge smile, gives me a thumbs up and exclaims “very good for safety!!” And waves me through – Spaceisveryhard
I got stopped one time in Atlanta because they said my suit case wasn’t properly placed on the conveyer belt. So they pulled me aside and had me open it up and asked me about everything inside. Only it wasn’t my suit case, and the dude was adamant that it was mine. The guy at the end of the line was pretty upset that TSA was asking a stranger about his suit case. – DoctorTheWho
Not TSA but the land border, they detected nuclear material ☢️. It was because another passenger in my car had some heart surgery or something where they used radioactive material, and apparently it could still be detected. Border patrol pretty much knew what it was but had to check anyway. – trymypi
(as an aside, some replied to that last one: “Border Patrol here, a lot of the checkpoints have radiation detectors and even though we know it’s either a truck full of bananas or someone going through treatment, we still have to secondary and inspect on the off chance.“)
My son was too tall for his age. – capmaverick
Glass dildos in my hand luggage (gifts for a friend) Dude fished them out very publicly, “WHOSE CASE IS THIS” YELL YELL YELL being all Judge Dredd and shouting and going “WHAT ARE THESE” and then realized he was double-wielding two phallic looking dildos. And then got very quiet because he realized people were staring at him holding two glass c**ks.
“THEY ARE DILDOES” I said in a very loud voice at him. Hey, you’re going to yell halfway through an airport so can I.
The guy made a shushing motion with his hand and, totally flustered, tried to shush me with a quiet “but, what for?”
“THE PURPOSE OF A DILDO IS TO BE LUBRICATED AND INSERTED INTO A VAGINA AND/OR ANUS FOR THE PURPOSE OF SEXUALLY STIMULATING THE RECIPI…”
THANK YOU SIR ON YOUR WAY NEXT – JackPhantomOfficial
I have bad knees and occasionally bring a cane with me when I travel. I have one called a hurry-cane, basically a full size cane that folds into three for easy packing. TSA requires me to still walk through w/o the cane if possible, so I had folded it up and laid it on my checked luggage for the xray. This obviously new TSA agent has me pulled aside to wait for a supervisor because he said that he is familiar with it and it was a kind of weapon that his character uses in a video game. Was convinced I was trying to hide it as a cane, but that I was openly carrying a Chinese martial arts weapon. Took all of two seconds once the supervisor connected the cane to make the kid realize he was wrong. But had me chuckling. – utauley
My then-two month old was flagged by TSA in 2003. They took one look and realized the only bomb was in his diaper. The same season, his grandfather was subject to additional screening. They had the exact same Irish name: first, middle, and last. I surmised that there might have been an IRA person on an interpol list or something with the same name. – ZweitenMal
Random check when… i was the only person in line. – Confident_Notice975
I’m over 70, white person and have white hair. It happens so often that I expect it. I never really know the reason — no one tells me. If they ask me if I want to go to a separate room, I decline — it wastes time. So they do all the touching etc in full view — no one ever really looks and who gives a damn.
The funniest time: was traveling with my 7 yo granddaughter and they were going up under my shirt and under my bra. My 7 year old started screamng and shouting, “Nana, they’re touching your boobs!!! Call the police! Help her someone.” The TSA agent told me to quiet her down. I asked “How? You’ve got a hand on my breast. She’s been taught to tell someone if her breasts get touched.” – Hawkthree
h/t: False_Philosophy_412 / Reddit
Feature Photo: TSA
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1 comment
they stop you for two reasons if not for the security: people they are attracted to and people they are pis$ed for some reason. I experienced both and they are not nice in either case