Imagine you and your boyfriend are planning a visit to Disney. It’s going to be a special trip because it’s not you and him, but your daughters – one yours, one his – from your respective first marriages.
And then his ex-wife decideds to invite herself to join you on the trip.
That’s exactly what happened to a 33-year-old Reddit user with the handle Street_Temperature34, in Reddit’s AITA forum.
The initials represent the term, “Am I The A-Hole.” The community is defined as, “A catharsis for the frustrated moral philosopher in all of us, and a place to finally find out if you were wrong in an argument that’s been bothering you. Tell us about any non-violent conflict you have experienced; give us both sides of the story, and find out if you’re right, or you’re the a-hole.” It’s kind of like a “jury of your peers” sort of thing.
The story
In her post that she shared on Reddit, the woman wrote that she had been with her boyfriend for five years and that they both have daughters from previous relationships.
“When my daughter is with her Dad, I stay with my BF as he has his daughter 90% of the time,” she explained, adding, “We don’t reside together but have a loving, supportive and easy relationship.”
Meanwhile, the Redditor also said that her boyfriend and his ex-wife (who she called “Susie” in the post) also “have a very positive and friendly relationship.”
“For the first 4+years of our relationship, I admired and respected their coparenting arrangement,” she said. “It took some getting used to for me as she would walk into house unannounced and unexpected, make herself comfortable, often with friends in tow to spend the day by the pool or hang out on the deck.”
Her boyfriend, she continued, is “very non confrontational,” and “set no boundaries” with his ex, “as it allowed him to parent his daughter consistently.”
But then it seemed that issues started to crop up about six months ago, when Susie’s presence “increased significantly.”
“She will invite herself for supper and along on activities we’ve planned with the girls, she will call BF numerous times a day, unrelated to their daughter,” Street_Temperature34 wrote. “He won’t answer when we are together but it’s still aggravating because she’ll then call their daughter to get his attention.”
While the Redditor said that she has tried to remain unbothered, things changed with the ex “invited herself along on a holiday we planned for our girls, claiming it’s a once-in-a-lifetime experience.”
“It’s not,” she wrote, adding that the trip is to a place the ex has visited before: “it’s Disney and she took her daughter there 2 years ago when she was still with her partner.”
The writer continued: “I told my BF that he needs to tell Susie that she’s not coming and he is uncomfortable about ‘rocking the boat’ and her seeking more time with their daughter as he doesn’t feel she is stable enough to provide consistency or stability. He’s probably not wrong but I am not interested in spending my vacation with his ex wife so told him to pick. AITA or are my feelings valid?”
The replies
As of this writing there are nearly 200 replies and instead of suggesting that the ex stay in her own lane, they strongly suggest that Street_Temperature34 re-evaluate her relationship with a man who can’t set boundaries with an overbearing ex-wife (even if she’s the mother of his child).
“NTA (Not the A-hole)” CrewelSummer said. “He’s made it clear that he is completely unwilling to set boundaries with his ex, either now or in the future, and it sounds like his ex has picked up on that. Now your daughter’s holiday is going to be impacted by his unwillingness to set boundaries. This will continue to happen until you end things with him because as he’s made clear, he’s not interested in setting boundaries with his ex. So that’s never going to happen.
“Is this a relationship you want to continue? One with a man who cares more about his ex’s negative emotions than your own? One where you can never progress or move in together because otherwise your daughter will pay the price for his lack of boundaries more than she already is? One where you are in second place behind his ex? One where you are dating an invertebrate?”
Original-Winter9334 said, “So he is basically letting her have own way on everything, even dictating your life, just for fear that she might lash out if he dared to disagree with her on anything. And this is how you are going to live the rest of your life, dependent on her whims? Sounds like she knows exactly what she’s doing – and why would she change anything or slightly inconvenience herself at all, when she is living hr best life, at your expense?
“She needs to be told! And he needs to get a proper care plan in place through the courts. Stop being a doormat and set your on boundaries, until your bf can also do the same. NTA.”
Misommar1246 was concerned about what the vacation was going to be like: “OP is literally going to be the fifth wheel while they play happy family at Disney. Hell no. I would have said something ages ago but then again I think anything beyond cordial with the exes is absolutely a hard no. She let this woman trample over her boundaries and now things are out of control.”
Another suggestion, from Dizzy_Signature_2145, was, “Sounds like he is still married. You’re just a friend. Maybe you need to discuss where you see your relationship going with him. I would make him choose you or her. Rethink the Disney trip. Could be a wonderful mom and daughter trip.”
Rinse and repeat, over and over again.
What do you think?
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1 comment
Sounds like he’s still “married” and GF is just a “friend with benefits.” I say her or me and if he can’t say no to the ex, I’d say no to him.