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Over the years, we’ve told you about hotels that, well, got back at past guests who were less than kind in their reviews of their stay:

• Verdict is in for American who left bad hotel review in Thailand
• Hotel owner reams guest for complaint
• Bad hotel experience made worse by poor manager response
• Caution! Writing a complaint about a hotel? You may get a response like this

Most of the time, the hotel in question either actually deserved the poor review, or the place is so small and unpopular that a bad review doesn’t even matter.

But what if the complaint is about one of the most popular hotels in one of the world’s most popular towns? And what if the person in charge of responding to complaints does so with such a side of snark that they practically roast people who were less than 100% satisfied?

That’s when you’re talking about California’s luxury Petit Ermitage Hotel.

The hotel

Established in 2009, the Petite Ermitage Hotel, located in West Hollywood, boasts 80 suites. The small boutique hotel has been described as gorgeous, unique, stylish, artistic, charming and quirky. Oyster’s description of it:

The hotel is generally well-loved, and according to TripAdvisor, it’s the #3 hotel (of 20) in West Hollywood. From TripAdvisor’s AI summary:

Nestled in a tranquil yet lively area, Petit Ermitage draws praise for its heated rooftop pool and sumptuous amenities, providing an opulent retreat, as many reviewers attest. Its prime location is favored for proximity to nightlife and attractions, while the hotel’s unique rooms, complete with fireplaces and vintage allure, receive accolades for their charm despite a few remarks about being slightly dated.

Impeccable cleanliness is a consistent highlight, with guests appreciating pristine conditions throughout. Although opinions on value vary, the service is widely lauded for its warmth and professionalism, contributing to the hotel’s eclectic and inviting atmosphere.

The reviews & responses

The Petite Ermitage has 1,696 reviews on Tripadvisor, which are broken down as:

• Excellent: 1,175
• Very Good: 277
• Average: 119
• Poor: 61
• Terrible: 64

It’s been said that a “good” hotel pays attention to review sites such as Tripadvisor and comments on reviewers’ comments. For example, if there’s a positive review, the representative for the establishment (usually the owner, general manager or someone in a similarly high position) will thank the person, be happy for the nice comments, promise to pass on positive feedback to applicable parties, etc. A less complimentary review might receive an apology, promises to fix whatever problem(s) occurred, etc.

Petite Ermitage’s responses to reviews

Whoever is charged with going over Petite Ermitage’s reviews on Tripadvisor is apparently a creative person. First, they’ve given themselves the moniker Sebastian The Peruvian Ferret, Innkeeper at Petit Ermitage.

But it’s not just the name that sets them apart, but their responses to reviews.

If they’ve gotten a positive review, “Sebastian’s” reply, although as pleasant as expected, is also…quite different from a typical “thanks for the good review.” Here are some examples of replies from some recent 5-star reviews:

• We highly recommend you. And we think you’re impeccable. (Sept. 2024)
  
• (Reviewer had mentioned someone named Tess) But…but Tess hasn’t worked in here in nearly 80 years. Oh no…she’s back…The seance must not have expelled her spirit. Listen closely: if you had any interaction with Tess, you MUST do the following: At the 11th hour of 14th day of the 13th month, take one shoe in hand, raise it above your left eyebrow…YOUR LEFT! Not your right. Hop on the unshoed foot and repeat the following phrase: “The Nimbets hath gone through the shrubbery for the last time. Be gone!” And really go for the “be gone” part. Don’t hold back. When you have completed this task at the above time, send a carrier pigeon with a note to the effect of: It is done. Do NOT send a Turtle Dove. They are incredibly unreliable and quite frankly, rude. Good day. And God Speed. (August 2024)
• (Reviewer had mentioned someone named Miles) We do love Miles here at Petit. He has come so far ever since we found him on the side of the road just outside of Rendville – Ohio’s smallest town. He had run away from the circus after an incident involving an Elephant and Jorge the Guatamalan Trapeze artist. We daren’t ask any further questions. It was November of 1843. A particularly harsh Winter if memory serves. Miles was curled up in a ball under a Pine tree. We asked him if he had anywhere to go and he said, in what we learned later was Sao Tomén Portuguese, “No.” So, we packed him and his pet hamster Keith into our Buckboard Wagon and brought him back to West Hollywood. Known back then as Wild West Hollywood – some argue the ‘Wild’ should never have been dropped. Anywho, Miles as come on leaps and bounds over the last 181 years and we are most pleased when his efforts are acknowledge in a Trip Advisor review. (August, 2024)
• (Reviewer’s name was “Florafairfield”) Can we just say that Flora Fairfield is possibly the greatest name of any reviewer we have ever had. Well played Madam. Excellent name. And a delightful review to boot. What a glorious time to be alive. (July, 2024)
• (Review included the sentence, “I can’t say enough good things about the Petit, had a fantastic time!“) You can say enough good things. You just need to try harder. Remember, “if you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything” – Doc Brown, 1985. (June 2024)

But if they’ve given a bad review, that’s when the magic happens. Instead of being written by “Sebastian,” they’re usually penned by The Monarch, Innkeeper at Petite Ermitage. Although, to be honest, the writing styles of both are pretty similar 😉

• On the 7th night of the 7th month an invitation which will be delivered by hand to a secret location by our colleague Sebastian the Peruvian Ferret. Within this invitation is a code. This code MUST be entered into Sebastians paging device before Richard the Cockatoo stands erect on the morning of the the 8th day of the 7th month (at approximately 6:43am depending on whether the chicks have slept soundly the night before) Richard shall then crow the middle 8th of La Vi En Rose (more than likely out of tune knowing Richard! #EyeRoll). Only when the above tasks have played out in seamless fashion may you return for another stay where we promise to take the embarrassment you experienced in your first visit to a level no human could possibly comprehend. We look forward to seeing you. (February, 2023)
• Please contact us at your earliest convenience to discuss the above. You will be immediately put through to our ‘Liasion to Misery’, Sebastian the Peruvian Ferret who will be completely indifferent to the concerns you have raised. (March, 2023)
• (to a 1-star review that included the suggestion of seeing roach on the windowsill) We do ask – as a bare minimum – that anyone leaving a review does spell the name of the hotel correctly. It can lead to confusion. Especially among the roach community. If you ever do return, please do let us know in advance of your impending arrival. We would very much like to receive you in the appropriate manner. Or perhaps you are the receiver. We’re not quite sure. Nevertheless, one of us shall be received and by gosh it will be memorable. Tally-ho. (January, 2023)
• (to a 1-star review that suggested not bringing children to the hotel) We noticed you gave ‘Sleep Quality’ 2 out of 5. We very much sympathize. Sleep + children do not go. But soon they will be off to college and you can reclaim all those hours lost. Stay strong. (October, 2022)
• (to a 1-star review whose OpenTable reservation wasn’t accepted) This is an outrage. If you ask us, that app should be called ‘ClosedTable’ because evidently if you book a table on it, it’s not ‘Open’ at all! Having said that, we have no idea how we were available on the app. Perhaps some prankster was having a lark. A laugh. A giggle at your expense. And we shall not rest until we find this individual. Okay, maybe that’s a stretch. Our beds here are extremely comfortable and I’ve read a lack of sleep can inhibit ones productivity so we probably will rest at some point. Until then, please feel free to reach out to our director of sales and he will be happy to make amends for this kerfuffle and seat you in our restaurant compliments of whomever you spoke to at the front door on that fateful eve. (August, 2022)

It’s a fun read

Of course, whether or not Petite Ermitage is somewhere a person would like to stay will be up to the individual. But while perusing Tripadvisor reviews, it’s still a more fun read than “Thank you for your kind words” and “We will look into the air conditioner making too much noise.” So, more power to them.

All photos: The Petite Ermitage / Instagram

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This post first appeared on Your Mileage May Vary